Trying Mineral Paint on a “Naughty” Sideboard

Time to update the office! And no, I am not thinking a massive overhaul. Ever since I finished my World Map Cork Board, I knew I wanted to pair it with something more substantial than my tiny bookshelf. It was time for an upgrade. Finally, Facebook Marketplace delivered and I picked up my dresser for only $40. It had clean, modern lines (love that) and solid brass handles. However, it desperately needed a fresh coat of paint. So, I decided to try the often-praised Fusion Mineral Paint on what we started calling the “Naughty” sideboard.

The Naughty Sideboard Saga

Now, you’re probably wondering – why do I call it the “Naughty” sideboard? Well, obviously it is a sideboard and not really a dresser. I kid, I kid. I know you want that tea.

But the “naughty” part is far more interesting. See, I drove about 45 minutes to pick it up. A nice lady helped me load it into my car, and as I drove home, I heard some rattling. I figured it was just the brass handles doing a little dance in the backseat.

Once I got home, my boyfriend and I started inspecting the piece. That’s when things got…interesting. He opened the first drawer and, surprise! There were some unmentionables – a few pairs of undies left behind. Awkward, but hey, I’m not driving back to return those.

The BF kept inspecting handles and when he got to the bottom drawer, he kind of got silent and pointed at it. I looked down and saw some thick socks and thought she might actually want to drive out to pick up all of the left-behind unmentionables.

Then he pulled the drawer out completely, so I could see all of the contents. And there, nestled between the cozy wool socks were two extremely oversized (ahem) adult toys. I went completely silent. And after bursting out laughing I thought “Oh, she’ll definitely want these back!”

Yes, I have pictures! No, I will not share them!

After a day of thinking about how to approach the seller without it being weird, I texted her saying, I found her expensive-looking toys and she might want “the boys” back. Her response was instant. She clearly realized what had happened but was too embarrassed to ask for them.

When she arrived, I assured her she didn’t need to be mortified. And after a slightly awkward couple of minutes and small talk, she had her belongings back and was on her way.

And now this will forever be known as the “Naughty” sideboard.

Prepping the Sideboard Surface (And My Sanity)

Before diving into the painting process, I gave the cabinet a good scrub – and yes, a few extra rounds with Clorox wipes, given the circumstances.

Next came the sanding. The original sideboard finish was way too smooth, like plastic, so I roughed it up with a mouse sander to give mineral paint something to grip. After a few rounds of sanding, wiping, and filling in holes with Plastic Wood, I was ready to roll.

Fusion Mineral Paint: A Rollercoaster of Emotions

I’d heard rave reviews about Fusion Mineral Paint – no need for a topcoat and self-leveling? Sign me up! So I ventured out to a local antique shop and grabbed a jar of Coal Black. The shop owner suggested using a roller, and I was all set.

I started with a 1.5-inch brush for the tight spots…

…and a 4-inch roller for the rest.

Smooth coverage? Not quite. But I had the cutest helper. Meet Auggie, my silly Ragamese kitten.

Anyway, the mineral paint was thick straight out of the jar and, despite its “self-leveling” reputation, it left streaks on the surface of the naughty sideboard.

I sanded, painted, and even tried watering it down like I do with chalk paint. Big mistake. It left watermarks.

In the end, I went back to a trusty brush for a final coat and called it a day. The result? Meh. There are some streaky spots that I’ll just have to live with. Lesson learned: stick to what you know, or be prepared for a learning curve that you might not have the patience for. Which I definitely lack.

All that to say, that the end result may have been 100% user error. And if you have any fail-proof tips, please send them my way.

Cleaning the brass handles

Handles were a big selling point of this cabinet – modern straight lines and solid brass. Originally, they were tinted with dark stain but were showing some wear spots. So, I started brainstorming how to spruce them up.

One choice was to use an abrasive wire brush to strip down the finish, and then buff handles to smooth out the inevitable scratches. It was a good option, but required too much effort and I wanted an easier solution.

Next option was Buff’n Rub and I did a test spot and it looked pretty good. An even easier option.

However, in the process of experimentation, I realized that the varnish was rubbing off with very little effort. I grabbed my green scrubbing sponge and realized it was just the right grit to clean the handles up. Then I got the idea to soak the handles overnight in a mixture of warm water and Bar Keeper’s Friend. I did not know if it would help speed up the process, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.

And I think it did help a little, because each handle took less than a couple of minutes to clean off. I just made sure to rub in one direction to match the lines in the metal. This way, even if I made some deeper scratches it should look like part of the handle.

And the handles turned out great! They were the saving grace for this whole project.

Styling the sideboard

Once I made peace with the paint job, I dragged the “naughty” sideboard to the office and centered it under the map. It now stores books and other messes.

But, most of the top was reserved for the record player and records. For now, I am just adding a couple more bits and bobs and will let the space evolve over time.

So there you have it – the story of the “Naughty” sideboard makeover, complete with mineral paint fails, brass handle victories, and a truly unforgettable pick-up story. Have any painting tips or furniture makeover advice? Send them my way! Just, uh, keep it PG. 😉